Book Three of Alliance: Holy Matrimony?
by Avalon Estel
Summary: Here we are again, and everyone's back. Get ready for some wedding havoc, divine intervention, and some high seas adventure! Book Three of the Alliance Trilogy.
1. Prologue: An Invitation

Book the Third of the Alliance Trilogy: Holy Matrimony?

A/N: And here we are, in the last of the Alliance stories. Hopefully, this one will be adequately funny, and entertaining enough for my dear readers. You've been with me from the start, and I hope you'll stay for this (most likely not) last adventure of Lute and company. Enjoy!

_Prologue: An Invitation_

"An invitation?" asked Lute, the crown prince of the country of Xenos. He was in the sitting room adjacent to his chambers. He stared at the messenger in surprise.

"Thank goodness," breathed his wife, Princess Cassandra, from beside him. "I was afraid that they needed help again or something."

Lute nodded at her in agreement and turned back to the Hylian guardsman who had been sent with a message from the King of Hyrule. It was the same guard who had been sent a year prior, when Lute (a former suitor of Hyrule's Crown Princess Zelda) had been asked to come to Hyrule in order to rescue Princess Zelda, who'd been kidnapped by first two bumbling, ransom-hungry young men, and then the Sage of Light, Rauru. The guard had some sort nasal problem, for he sniffed incessantly.

"An invitation to what?" asked Lute.

The guard sniffed, cleared his throat, and opened the scroll that he held in his hands. "It is an invitation to the wedding of Her Grace Princess Zelda and Link, the Hero of Time, which will be held in two weeks."

"Well, it's about time they got married!" exclaimed Cassandra. "They've only been engaged two years."

"Yeah, but with our luck, we'll probably be dragged into something or other while we're there," Lute said with a sigh.

Cassandra fiddled with her sleeve. "Do you want to risk it?"

"I guess," Lute yielded, ruffling his dark hair with both hands. "Very well," he said, looking up at the guard. "Tell His Majesty King Daphnes that we'll be there for the wedding."

The guard sniffed. "Very good, Your Highness, sir. We'll be expecting you." He bowed, saluted, and marched from the room. The Xenosian guard at the door bowed and shut the door behind the Hylian guard.

"I hope everything goes all right this time," muttered Cassandra.

"I do, too," Lute agreed. "For everyone's sake."


	2. Chapter One: Respect

Book the Third of the Alliance Trilogy: Holy Matrimony?

_Chapter One: R-E-S-P-E-C-T_

_Two Weeks Later_

The day of Link and Zelda's wedding dawned bright and balmy. The whole kingdom of Hyrule was rejoicing. (The prospect of free food all day put everyone in good spirits. The cook was so glad that Zelda really would be getting married this time that he had gone into overdrive in the cooking area.)

Yes, it would be a memorable day in Hylian history.

Only no one knew _how_ memorable it would be.

First, let us take a look at Princess Zelda, the blushing bride. She was blushing, all right, but it was far from being a happy blush. She was still angry about Link's lack of commitment in the last wedding attempt, and was taking out her worries on her poor ladies-in-waiting, who were trying to put on her veil and apply her makeup. Needless to say, it wasn't going well.

Then, we have the groom – Link, the Hero of Time. He was feeling very casual about all this. When interviewers from the kingdom's official newspaper, _The Hylian Times_, had asked him how he felt about getting married, he'd merely shrugged and said, "Hey, I beat Ganondorf, right? There's no way marriage will be harder than that." He was in for a rude wake-up call, to say the least.

King Daphnes was quite cheerful about all this. His darling baby girl was finally marrying Link, just as he'd always wanted. That's what princesses did, and there was no way he wanted her left out. He was hoping, however, that no mishaps would occur to mess up his plans. Fat chance, in a place like Hyrule.

The Hylian priests were busy setting up the ceremony. It was mandatory to have a representation of each of the goddesses at any special ceremony, so they had a tree to symbolize Farore, a candle to symbolize Din, and a cup of water to symbolize Nayru. It had always been a tree for Farore, but it used to be a small bonfire for Din and a fountain for Nayru. After costs became too high, the goddesses were downgraded to smaller symbols. The priests felt no remorse, for they felt they were still representing the goddesses, and that was all that mattered.

Besides, it fit the budget, right?

Lute and Cassandra had made it two days previous, and were now sitting in two of the chairs that the priests had set up for the wedding guests in the Temple of Time. Everyone was waiting expectantly for the ceremony to start.

Everyone, including the goddesses.

"Do you believe those little punks!" demanded Farore, staring down in wide-eyed anger at the Hylians from where she was perched on a cloud. "You've only got a candle now, Din!"

Din sighed and leaned back on her own cloud. "Oh, well."

"What can we do?" asked Nayru, running a hand through her long, azure hair.

"What can we do?" screeched Farore incredulously. "What can we _do_? We're goddesses, for crying out loud! What _can't_ we do?"

"I suppose you have a point," Din agreed, sitting up.

"Hush," said Nayru. "It's starting."

They watched as the head priest stood in front of the Door of Time, with Link and Zelda before him.

"We are gathered here today," began the priest in a loud, stately voice, "to join in eternal love and harmony the lovely Princess Zelda and the courageous hero Link. In the name of Din, the powerful goddess, Nayru, the wise goddess, and Farore, the tree-hugger goddess, let this marriage ceremony begin."

"Tree-hugger! _Tree-hugger!_" Farore was furious. Contrary to popular belief, Farore was the bad-tempered one, not Din. "That's it!" She pointed a finger at the tree that was her symbol. There was a loud cracking noise as the tree was struck by lightning and burst into flames.

"Oh, no!" cried the head priest. "The holy tree is burning! Put it out! _PUT IT OUT!_"

One of the priests-in-training grabbed the closest wet thing to him, which just happened to be the cup of water symbolizing Nayru.

"Okay, let's lay a plague on them," Nayru said, her eyes narrowed.

There was a burst of light as the goddesses appeared in the middle of the Temple of Time.

All the Hylians (and all of the people who _weren't_ Hylians, like Lute) froze in a sudden bout of shock and terror.

"Foolish mortals!" roared Farore in a frightening monotone that she had been practicing just for an occasion like this. "You have insulted the Great Ones with your petty representations of our greatness!"

"Yeah!" supplied Nayru.

"Yeah, whatever," muttered Din.

Farore kicked her discreetly in the knee. Din jumped in pain, but the terrified mortals only screamed.

"Because of your terrible transgressions, you shall all be punished!" shouted Nayru.

The head priest stepped forward, shaking. "O goddesses, we did not mean any harm. Please, forgive us! We were low on funds and had to cut the budget rates!"

"Let me think about it," Farore said, cocking her head to the side, gazing at the still-burning tree. "Okay, thinking's done. Nope. We're still going to punish you."

The mortals starting screaming again.

"Wait a minute!" cried the priest. "What are you going to do?"

"Ah, lay a few famines here and there, maybe a plague of monsters…perhaps some forest fires."

Din perked up at this. "Forest fires?" she echoed.

"Oh, yes, lots of forest fires," Farore assured her.

Din clapped happily.

"Okay, then, people. We'll be off now. Have a nice day!" Nayru said.

There was another flash of light, and the goddesses were gone.

"How many times does one girl need to try to get to married?" demanded Zelda after a few moments of stunned silence. "Nothing ever goes right for me! I'm leaving!" Dress trailing, sobs wracking her frame, Zelda ran from the Temple.

"Not again," murmured Cassandra.

"No," Lute told her. "We're going home. This is they're problem, and it will _stay_ their problem."

"Thank goodness for that."


	3. Chapter Two: Bon Voyage

_Chapter Two: Bon Voyage…Or Not _

"I'm sorry that we had you come all the way here for no reason," Impa said to Lute and Cassandra. They were standing at Hyrule's only dock, waiting for their ship to finish loading up so that they could return to Xenos. "I'm sure that next time we'll actually have a wedding…"

"It's all right, Impa," Cassandra said. "_I'm_ sorry that we're leaving so abruptly. I'd like to stay and help, but Lute's father is ill, and we need to be there."

"Good luck with finding Zelda, though," Lute put in. "I hope nothing's happened to her."

"I don't think anything has," Impa replied reassuringly. "You know how moody she is. She should be back in a few hours, a couple days at most."

"I hope the goddesses aren't _too_ angry," Cassandra continued dubiously, staring at the sky.

Impa shrugged. "We've had it coming, I suppose. I knew the priests shouldn't have put that candle for Din."

"All aboard!" hollered one of the ship hands.

"Well, that's our ship," Lute said. "Take care, Impa, and good luck."

Cassandra hugged Impa. "Good luck."

"Thanks," Impa said as they started up the gangplank. "You guys are the lucky ones." She sighed. "What I wouldn't give to leave this insane asylum."

Cassandra laughed. "Goodbye, then!"

"Bon voyage!"

* * *

"So." 

"So?"

"So."

"So, what?"

"So, we've decided to destroy Hyrule, huh?" asked Din, gazing down at Kokiri Forest. It was a flourishing, sprawling area full of vibrant trees and wildlife. It was lovely – and in Din's mind, it was even lovelier now that it was burning.

"Nah, I don't think we'll _destroy_ it," Farore murmured. She picked at her immaculate fingernails. "We'll wreak some havoc, show 'em who's boss, and then leave them alone."

"Until they start to forget about us again in a couple hundred years," Nayru pointed out.

Farore looked at her blankly. "Then we'll just do it all over again."

"Oh, hey, it looks like I missed a tree," Din said, noticing a green spot amid the fires. She pointed her finger at it.

And a few seconds later, a Kokiri named Saria screamed as her hair burst into flame.

* * *

Link sat in the king's throne room among the abandoned wedding reception decorations. He still wore his groom costume, and it was becoming wrinkled. He crossed his legs and settled contentedly into the large chair, thinking of the day when King Daphnes would be gone and it would be his. 

At least, it would if he could ever get around to marrying Zelda.

"Link, what are you doing?" shouted an outraged voice. Link jumped and nearly fell out of the throne. Daphnes himself stood at the foot of the dais, glaring up at him.

"Sorry, sir…didn't mean anything by it. It's only a chair, after all…" Link said, getting off of the throne and dusting the seat cushion off.

"Not the throne, you idiot!" Daphnes roared. "Why aren't you searching for Zelda?"

"Oh, yeah…about that…"

Just then, the doors to the throne room burst open and a horde of small people in green clothes stomped in.

"Oh, no!" Link shrieked, hopping back up onto the throne the way people do when there are mice in their kitchens. "They're doing another invasion-rampage thing!"

"We are not!" Mido, the head of the green-clad people, exclaimed. "We Kokiri are here to complain. All our forests are catching fire, and it's not even the right weather for that yet! What did you idiot Hylians do this time?"

Though he was still perched like a ninny on top of the throne, Link managed to look indignant. "_I_ didn't do _anything_! Just because the priests insulted the goddesses – "

"Insulted the goddesses?" screeched one of the Kokiri. "Then we really _are_ doomed!"

"That explains why my hair spontaneously combusted!" shrieked Saria.

"I wondered when you'd dyed it," Link remarked.

Saria glared at him and rested her hands on her hips. "You all are going to do something about this, understand?"

Link sighed and sat down. "Why is it always me who has to do something about it?"

"Because you're the Hero of Time," Daphnes told him. "Now get out of my chair."

* * *

"I feel bad, leaving them like that," Cassandra said sadly, leaning on the ship's bulwark. 

"Well, we don't have a choice," Lute said. "And I don't know how we could do anything, anyway."

Cassandra sighed and slumped over the rail. "I know."

"Ship ahoy!" called the lookout from the crow's nest at the top of the mast.

Cassandra and Lute leaned farther out along the side of the ship so that they could see the oncoming ship.

"Pirates!" screamed the lookout. "It's a pirate ship!"

Suddenly, the deck burst into action. Cassandra grabbed Lute's hand so that they wouldn't be separated as they were shunted this way and that. The crew scrabbled to get the cannons lined up so that they could fight if the pirates attacked, and everyone basically ignored the prince and princess.

"There it is!" Cassandra cried, pointing into the distance. A large ship with red sails loomed forward. The grand sail was black, with a Jolly Roger emblazoned on it. It was approaching rapidly, and she could just make out a figure crouched on the prow.

"Oh, boy." Lute groaned. "We should have just stayed in Hyrule."

...TBC


	4. Chapter Three: The Pirate Queen

_Chapter Three: The Pirate Queen_

The cannons spat smoke and metal at the pirate ship, ripping the planks from its hull. Still, the pirate ship came closer. As it neared, a rain of harpoons and grappling hooks jettisoned from its deck, hooking it to Lute and Cassandra's ship and dragging it nearer.

Then, the pirates began to swing onto their deck.

Lute drew his sword as a black-cloaked figure landed on its feet before him.

"Cassandra, go below decks," he commanded.

"Yeah, right," Cassandra muttered, pulling a small wand from her pocket. She murmured a spell, and the wand elongated into a staff.

"Two of you, huh?" asked the cloaked figure in a feminine voice. "That's hardly fair. However, I think I can take you both on."

"Try it," Lute challenged.

"I will." The figure whipped a sword out from beneath her cloak. "I am Captain Tetra, the Pirate Queen. Remember it."

"It won't matter once I'm done with you," Cassandra taunted.

"Exactly. You won't be around to remember anyone."

Lute looked blankly at Captain Tetra for a moment. "Do you realize how unutterably lame that sounded?"

"Yes, I do. However, pirate tradition dictates that I say it."

Lute shrugged. "Whatever."

"Now, let us begin!" Tetra exclaimed, raising her sword into the air. She brought it down on Lute. He swung his sword up and parried the blow. While Tetra was distracted, Cassandra cast a small lightning spell. Tetra sidestepped it, but it caught and singed the end of her cloak.

"Aw, and that was brand new, too," the pirate whined. Lute lowered his sword.

"You're not much of a pirate, are you?"

"Is it that obvious?" asked Tetra.

Lute and Cassandra stared at her in silence for a bit.

"Yeah, it is," Cassandra said finally.

"Darn it," Tetra grumbled. "Do you think you could let me win and take you captive so that I can convince my crew that I'm worth keeping? Mutiny is always a possibility when you're a pirate."

"If I wasn't so busy, I might consider it, but we need to get somewhere," Lute said.

"I know, but I'm having a bit of trouble with them."

"You sound familiar," Cassandra mused.

Tetra froze. "I do not."

"Do, too. I know I've heard your voice somewhere before."

"I've never seen you in my life."

Cassandra covered her eyes with her hand, thinking. "I know I've heard you before."

"Take off your hood, captain," Lute said, sheathing his sword.

Tetra seemed to be considering for a moment, but finally she reached up and lowered the hood. She had sun-brown skin, and her blonde hair was pulled back in a high ponytail.

Cassandra squinted at her thoughtfully. "Oh, my gosh, you're my old friend Lisana!" she exclaimed after a moment.

Tetra looked baffled. "What? No, I'm not."

"No, she's not!" Lute agreed. "That's Zelda!"

Tetra looked shocked now. "Am not."

"Are, too."

"Am not."

"Are, too!"

"Fine. I'm Zelda. Happy? But I'm not going back there!"

"You have to! Impa and the others are worried sick about you!"

"No, they're not. Maybe Daddy is, but Impa probably assumes I'll be heading back home as soon as I get hungry enough, and Link is probably vegging out somewhere or other with Epona."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is. I know them well." She pointed her sword at Lute's chest. "Now, I'm taking you to my ship and holding you for ransom."

"Whatever," Lute said, knowing that it would all be over once Zelda got bored. "But I have a question."

"What?" asked Zelda, looking quite pleased with herself.

"How did you get tan so quickly?"

Zelda shrugged. "Instant tanning lotion. It works wonders for pale skin." She reached into the pocket of her cloak and pulled out a small bottle. "Want a spray?" she asked.

Lute shook his head politely. "No, thank you."

"Your loss."

She turned to the pirates, who were mostly lounging around the deck. A few of them had even taken to conversing with the sailors that they had tied up.

"Boys!" Zelda called. The pirates looked up at her lazily.

"Let the rest of the crew go. We're only taking these two!" she said, pointing at Lute and Cassandra. "Along with our other captive, we should make a pretty penny off of them."

"That was lame, too," Lute informed her.

"Shut up," Zelda commanded. "I _can_ use this cutlass if it involves stabbing."

Lute complacently fell silent.

"Other captive?" Cassandra repeated. "Who's that?"

"Oh, just a little prince that we found in a lifeboat," Zelda said, grinning.

"In a lifeboat?"

"We burned down his ship."


End file.
